Gates-Ballmer 2008
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[edit] Announcement from Microsoft
We sincerely regret that George W. Bush, the best president of any country ever, cannot get a third term - but we are committed to fixing the problem of finding a viable successor. We're suggesting
- Bill Gates for president
- Steve Ballmer for vice president
If we are elected (and we will be, remember most of those touchscreen voting machines run our OS), we promise to stick to the following agenda:
[edit] Stay the course
We have picked personnel that can continue just like Bush and Cheney! Just like Bush, President Gates will be a clueless moron who is being adored by the public at large, and just like Cheney, Vice President Ballmer will be the devil in the dark pulling the strings. The people will not need to get used to a new system, reducing migration cost significantly.
[edit] Strict antitrust laws
Linux currently holds a monopoly on operating systems that actually work. Monopolies are not acceptable (unless they are beneficial to us), therefore Linux and its users will have to be prosecuted.
[edit] Encourage Innovation
The current software patent situation can not be acceptable to anyone. The fact that important and complex inventions, like arrow-shaped mouse cursors, or the invention of an application that displays the exact letter a computer user has pressed on his keyboard, are not patentable has led to predominant piracy - illegitimate products use these technologies without payment. We have to put an end to this.
Similarly, the economy is missing out on a trillion dollar business because biotech companies are prevented from patenting their innovations such as breathing, eating or drinking. The Gates-Ballmer administration will open this market and fix the economy.
[edit] Internet security
Everyone is annoyed at spam and email viruses - we believe that government action is required to end them. Every computer will be required by law that runs the most secure operating system ever (Microsoft Vista) and a new version of the most secure email application ever (Outlook Express). Website maintainers will be required to use the most secure HTML editor ever (Frontpage). The new versions of Outlook and Frontpage will sign every message (and every web page you visit) with your Vista license key, allowing every message and every site visit to be traced to its originator, ending spam and dissent for good.
[edit] Expand the war on terror
Mr. Bush has done an excellent job with the war on terror, but he has overlooked an important group of terrorists that will be addressed by the Gates-Ballmer administration. Those communist terrorists fight capitalism by giving away things for free, threatening the world economy. As you may have guessed, we are talking about Linux developers. Like Mr. Bush, we think that countries that harbor terrorists must be destroyed - therefore we promise to nuke any country that hosts Linux developers, such as Finland, all European countries, Canada, Mexico and the US.
[edit] Iraq Policy
We will force the Iraqis into a democratic government much like ours, and will make their first law developing (and thus worsening) Microsoft software, such as Microsoft Vista and Microsoft Office to make computing tasks harder for our customers. Anyone who refuses to comply is a terrorist and must be destroyed by our imperial army.
