Microsoft Trek
From Ark Linux Wiki
MicrosoftTM Trek
The Next Generation
© 1997-2009 by Ark Linux
PICARD
Captain's log, star date 48101.4. We are proceeding to the planet taRas, the inhabitants of which have made contact with earth in the year 2007, but we haven't heard of them since. Our orders are to investigate the situation. Since the secret service has reported Romulan activity in this area of space, we are afraid the worst may have happened.
DATA
taRas is now in sensor range. We are detecting life signs, and a low level of technology. They have developed computers, but they have not yet invented warp engines.
PICARD
Strange - they were more advanced than humans when they first visited earth, and now, they seem to be just at about the same level humanity had reached at that time.
How could there have been no advancement in the last 400 years?
DATA
368 years, two months, four days, two hours, eight minutes and six seconds, Sir. But I cannot help you with an explanation either. It certainly contradicts the rules of parallel planet development and widely accepted social evolution theories.
WORF
Maybe they went to war and bombed each other back to stone age.
DATA
That is a possibility, but I am not detecting any craters that could have been caused by bomb explosions on the entire planet.
WORF
We are being hailed by the taRas.
PICARD
On screen.
WORF
It's not possible. They are transmitting binary data only.
PICARD
Mr. Data, see what you can find out.
DATA
They are sending data directly to our ship's computer. Trying to decode. It would appear... Please wait... processing... processing...
PICARD
Mr. Worf, we can not permit that. Raise shields.
WORF
It's not possible.
PICARD
Why?
WORF
Maybe you should have a look at this, Sir.
(Picard gets up, looks at Worf's console)
WORF'S CONSOLE
SHIELDS caused a general protection fault in module SECURITY at address 0317:13AE.
PICARD
Mr. Data, see what you can do about this.
DATA
Stand by. Processing... Processing...
PICARD
Mr. LaForge, report to the bridge!
LAFORGE
On my way.
PICARD
Open hailing frequencies. Maybe the taRas can help us.
WORF
Frequencies open.
PICARD
This is Captain Picard of ...
MAIN VIEWER
Out of memory
PICARD
Try an audio-only transmission, Mr. Worf!
WORF
Aye, Sir. You can speak.
PICARD
This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation ...
WORF
My console is displaying a rather strange error message, Captain. Modem at COM2: is not configured correctly.
PICARD
Modem? I've heard of that in a history lesson at the academy. Wasn't that an old form of communication, Mr. Data?
DATA
Stand by... Processing...
(LaForge enters)
PICARD
Mr. LaForge, see what you can do about Mr. Data and the ship's computer. Oh, and do you know what exactly a "modem" is?
LAFORGE
Yeah, it's an old, primitive device for communication between computers. Modems have become obsolete when earth finally granted free access to information to everyone, making pay-per-minute schemes obsolete.
PICARD
Were they still used in 2007?
LAFORGE
Sure. Better technology was available, but they were still quite common in that era.
PICARD
Maybe the taRas copied the technology when they visited earth. Mr. Data, get all information available about that era and its computers.
DATA
(doesn't reply)
PICARD
(sighs) Worf, see what you can find out about 2007.
WORF
Trying. The computer says drive C: is running in compatibility mode, and slowed down. It will probably take a few hours.
PICARD
We can't afford to wait that long. Are the transporters still operational?
LAFORGE
The transporter console has been displaying a warning about "Installation aborted due to unsupported hardware", but other than that, it appears to be working.
PICARD
Very well. Number One, assemble an away team.
RIKER
Riker to engineering. Please send 2 computer experts to transporter room one. (Leaves for the turbolift)
TROI
Captain, I am sensing a lot of stress from you. There's nothing you can do until either the away team reports back or engineering gets the computer back online. Take some time off.
PICARD
(sighs, but doesn't find a good counter-argument) Number One, you have the bridge. Inform me as soon as you've found out something. (leaves for his ready room)
(fade to ready room, PICARD enters)
PICARD
Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
(red alert sirens go off, a SECURITY TEAM comes running into the ready room, phasers drawn)
OVER-ANXIOUS ENSIGN
(Fires a warning shot in Picard's direction before realizing who he's firing at) FREEZE!
PICARD
(Drops his cup of tea in surprise) What the...
OVER-ANXIOUS ENSIGN
(Stares at Picard in shock) Uh... I'm sorry, Sir... The computer told us to get here on the double and use deadly force because someone was making an unauthorized copy of something.
OTHER SECURITY TEAM MEMBER
I guess your tea was not TCPA compliant and requires a license, Sir.
PICARD
Never mind, the computer problems have been getting to all of us. I'll be in the holodeck to recover from this mess.
(fade to Holodeck 1)
PICARD
Computer, load program Dixon Hill 2.
COMPUTER
Please wait... Loading ActiveMovie...
10% ... 20% ... 50% ...
(later...)
COMPUTER
60% ...
(much later...)
COMPUTER
... 90% ... 96% ... 100% ... 102%
Program complete. You may now enter.
PICARD
(enters Dixon Hill's office, sits down at the desk, and falls asleep)
(fade to planet. The away team is materializing. The planet and architecture of a city on the horizon look very similar to early 21st century earth.)
RIKER
Let's see what the tricorders can tell us.
ENGINEER
(Takes out a tricorder, scans the area. The tricorder takes much longer than usual.) Commander, you'd better take a look at this.
RIKER
(Walks over to the engineer, takes a look at the tricorder)
TRICORDER
Exposure to taRas air has modified the tricorder's hardware surface. Your hardware configuration has changed since the last reboot. Please call the Microsoft anti-piracy department at 1-900-RU-LEGIT. You have 30 seconds to enter the 82 digit registration code Microsoft will supply after reviewing your license.
(fade to holodeck 1, where Picard is still asleep in Dixon Hill's office).
(Suddenly, the holodeck turns completely black and Picard is hit by several flying windows)
PICARD
(lands on the floor since his chair has disappeared) whoa!
COMPUTER
Please enter the correct password to disactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
PICARD
What the hell is this?
COMPUTER
Invalid password. Please reenter the correct password to deactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
PICARD
(dodges a flying window by jumping over it) Computer, emergency shutdown. Authorization Picard Omega Three.
COMPUTER
Invalid password. Please reenter the correct password to deactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
(Picard uses the manual override to cut power to the holodeck and reboots the system)
PICARD
Computer, restart Dixon Hill 2.
COMPUTER
Unable to comply. This system has not been shut down properly. Unsaved files might have been deleted. Directory Dixon Hill no longer exists.
WORF (enters)
Captain, we have some new information. Please come to the bridge.
PICARD
Why didn't you just use your communicator?
WORF
(sighs)Communicators are no longer operational, Captain. The computer has deleted all Netscape Communicators and installed Internet Explorer.
(they walk to the turbolift.)
PICARD
Bridge.
COMPUTER
Searching harddisk for BRIDGE.EXE. Found in C:\PRIVATE\CRUSHER.WESLEY\GAMES\CARDS. Executing...
DISPLAY AT TURBOLIFT WALL
(displays a set of bridge cards)
Do you want rules?
WORF
(rips the display's cables out of the wall, enters bridge coordinates manually.)
(They finally arrive on the bridge)
DATA
Processing... Please stand by.
WORF
(walks to the science station, checks the data)
A number of people in 2007 had an operating system called "Windows XP", which was known for its bugs.
PICARD
Is it possible that the taRas copied this Windows XP to our computers?
WORF
Sure it is. They're using unconventional weapons. They have no honor. I recommend to fire a full range of photon torpedoes.
PICARD
Captain's log, supplemental. Our ship's computers, including Mr. Data, have been infected by a strange virus, known as Windows XP. Mr. LaForge is working on a way to
COMPUTER
(system beep) The wave recorder does not support files that are longer than 60 seconds. Your file has been erased.
WORF
Something is showing up on the sensors!
PICARD
On screen.
WORF
The science station displays a rather strange message, Captain... "Out of display memory."
LAFORGE
This was a common problem with old computers running operating systems that didn't support the VESA VGA standard. Try reducing the resolution or the number of colors.
WORF
This seems to work.
(Picture on the screen changes)
TROI
The BORG!
LAFORGE
Not really. In a low resolution like this one, everything looks like a cube.
Judging from the color, I'd say this is a Romulan Warbird.
PICARD
Can you get the shields up?
COMPUTER
General protection fault
PICARD
Red alert!!!
WORF
It's not possible. The computer says there's an IRQ conflict between the soundcard and the scanner!
PICARD
We need all crew members in their positions! Deactivate scanners, activate red alert siren!
WORF
Sorry, Sir. Due to the IRQ conflict, we cannot deactivate the scanners without first deactivating the soundcard. And we cannot deactivate the soundcard without first deactivating the scanners, either.
PICARD
Merde.
WORF
They're powering up their weapons!
PICARD
Fire phasers!
WORF
The computer is prompting for a Manufacturer OEM driver disk for an unknown device at DMA 3, Captain. This seems to be the primary phaser array.
LAFORGE
People in 2007 used laser printers... And phasers are not that different from lasers...
PICARD
It's worth a try. Mr. Worf, set printer driver to HP LaserJet IV. Print!
WORF
Printer driver set. Loading Word...
(5 Minutes later)
WORF
Word just caused a general protection fault in module KERNEL32, Sir. I suspect they used undocumented functions that are no longer supported in Windows XP.
PICARD
Try the Print Screen key!
WORF
Computer estimates it will start printing in 19 minutes.
PICARD
Get us out of here! Warp 8!
LAFORGE
I'm afraid that won't be possible, Captain! It's common knowledge that Windows XP deletes OS/2-Warp-Engines during installation.
WORF
The Romulans are hailing us.
PICARD
Try to get them on screen!
VIEWSCREEN
(Displays a picture of a Romulan, 16 colors, 640x480. Large letters appear)
FEDERATION STARSHIP
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR COMPUTER SYSTEMS
YOU ARE VIOLATING THE CEASE-FIRE AGREEMENT
SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY
PICARD
That's a good idea... Try to answer in the same way. Send the message:
ROMULAN SHIP, WE ARE EXPERIENCING THE SAME PROBLEMS. WE DID NOT CAUSE YOUR PROBLEMS. THEY SEEM TO COME FROM THE PLANET. RECOMMEND TO WORK TOGETHER IN ORDER TO GET OUR COMPUTERS WORKING.
DATA
They are transmitting a program directly to our computer. It seems to be a new operating system. Remove their operating system. It is an old form of communication between computers used to exchange programs, data and letters. What is important about the era in the current situation is that some people used a faulty operating system known as Windows XP. It is not possible, because my current operating system does not support multi-tasking adequately.
PICARD
What was that???
DATA
The answers to the questions you asked me while I was unable to respond, Sir. I could not reply to them earlier.
Windows XP does not support voice output, Sir.
PICARD
Ah, well, forget it. How did you manage to restore your system?
DATA
I have rebooted from an ext3 partition of my brain. Windows XP was not able to read the data on the partition, and so it could not find my original operating system and delete it.
PICARD
Repair the ship's computers in the same way. Raise shields immediately, so they can't transfer the system again.
DATA
Aye, Sir.
(Makes it so)
COMPUTER CONSOLE
Uncompressing LCARS (Linux Computer Add-on for Reliable Systems)...
Ok, booting the kernel...
(The prompt is replaced with the splash screen of Ark Linux 2371.3)
PICARD
Looks good. I think we should help the taRas get rid of that system, as well.
RIKER
Violate Prime Directive?
PICARD
No, Number One. Windows XP was written by Microbrain-Soft, an ancient earth computer software company. We are actually undoing damage that was done by our interference before the Prime Directive existed.
DATA
I agree. And, Captain, I believe we have found the reason why there was no advancement on taRas. It was the same situation on earth when humans used Windows XP. Before completing any sort of research, the computer erased all data on the project for some unknown reasons.
PICARD
Interesting theory, Mr. Data.
DATA
Yes. It is strange that there is still a copy of Windows XP in the universe. According to our information, the last copy was deleted stardate 003.1 on the Ferengi homeworld.
PICARD
The Ferengi? What were they doing with Earth software?
DATA
When Microbrain-Soft first released Windows XP, they spent a lot of money on advertising it - successfully. People bought and actually used Windows XP until they learned to understand their computer breakdowns were not hardware related, as Microbrain-Soft claimed.
The Ferengi found out about this, and recognized their own business practices being used on earth. They made secret OEM reseller agreements with Microbrain-Soft, and thought they could make profit selling Windows XP throughout the galaxy.
However, when their central banking system broke down after installing Windows XP, they thought it wasn't worth the risk, and deleted their copies.
PICARD
How could Microbrain-Soft sell that many copies? I know there were some other systems on Earth...
DATA
Well, Windows was not the only system that had problems. The Klingons stopped using Macintoshes when we found out that their ships can be detected while cloaked by simply listening for the system beep, the Atari ST operating system "TOS" was no longer used when Microbrain-Soft spread rumors that TOS ment "The Obsolete System", OS/2 was thought to be "Half an Operating System", people thought Unix derivates were for experts only, and Microsoft still made them believe so when Linux eventually got easier to use than Windows in 2005. In fact, some people on Earth kept using Windows operating systems until Microsoft destroyed itself in 2008 - by enforcing a copy protection system so rigid that even Microsoft couldn't make copies of its own products anymore. And of course...
PICARD
Enough reasons, Mr. Data. We have more actual matters to take care of. Transmit a message to the Romulans. Tell them how they can get rid of the system.
WORF
I must object! Leaving them with this system would be our ultimate chance to defeat them!
PICARD
No... It would not be fair. Not even the Romulans deserve this.
DATA
Aye, Sir.
PICARD
Just in case the Romulans accidentally try to print a text, get us out of here. Warp 9.
DISCLAIMER: Microsoft, Windows, Windows XP, Bugs, Lacking features, IRQ conflicts, System crashes, Non-functional multitasking, registration keys, the Y2K problem, the Blue Screen of Death and unfair business practices are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corp., Redmond, USA. No violation of copyright intended.
No Microsoft product was used in any way to write or send this text. If you use a Microsoft product to read it, you're doing so at your own risk.
