More M$ Marketing Strategies

From ArkWiki

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#include <gtk.h>     /* adds bloat and horrors for programmers */ 

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
 if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
 {
   if (there_are_still_bugs)
     market(bugfix);
   if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
     raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
 }
 while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
 {
   make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in   
                                                   lie.h */
   if (rumours_grow_wilder) {
     make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
     make_false_promise(it_wont_crash);
   }
   if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
   {
     market_time=ripe;
     say("It will be ready in one month");
     order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
     order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
     order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
     vapourware=true;
     break;
    }
 }
 switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
 {
   case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
      break;
   case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
   case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
          " the 64 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium 4 Quad-Core CPU sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(AMD, "You'll need to put out a 5 GHz CPU quickly");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 4 GB");
      inform(MAXTOR, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      inform(NVIDIA, "Push out more high-end cards, in Vista even the"
                     "textmode prompt requires hardware 3D acceleration");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, AMD, SAMSUNG, MAXTOR, NVIDIA);
      break;
   case IS_IT_STABLE:
      say("The last beta version has run on our machines for 5 years without a reboot.");
      order(developers, "Make the bluescreen themeable so people will find it less annoying, after all they'll spend half the time looking at it");
      break;
   case HOW_MUCH_WILL_IT_COST:
      say("It will be really cheap");
      inform(FEDERAL_RESERVE, "Print more money, users will need it to buy our upgrade!");
      break;
   case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for   
           everyone");

      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windowsVista_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
      }
      break;
   case ANTITRUST_TRIAL:
      bribe(BUSH, "$1,000,000,000");
      edit(Windows_Touchscreen_Voting_Edition, ENSURE_VICTORY(BUSH));
      say("We comply with all antitrust laws");
      break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
 }

 release(beta_version)
 while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
 {
   bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
   release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
   introduce(more_memory_requirements); /* includes call to get_big_bonus(SAMSUNG); */
   if (customers_report_installation_problems)
   {
     say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
     inform(INTEL, "don't complain, if it weren't for our bloatware, you wouldn't be selling that CPU");
     if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
     {
       ignore(customer);
       order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this   
                                             bastard");
     }
   }
   if (there_is_another_company)
   {
     steal(their_ideas);
     accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
     hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
     wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
     buy_out(other_company);
     fire(their_employees, JUST_FOR_FUN);
     cease_development(their_products);
     inform(THEIR_CUSTOMERS, "You get a 1 cent rebate from our normal sale price when you upgrade to the Microsoft solution");
   }
   if (there_is_an_open_source_competitor)
   {
     steal(their_ideas);
     patent(their_ideas);
     accuse(project, stealing_our_ideas);
     hire(a_lot_of_lawyers);
     sue(project, patents);
     if (backfires)
     {
       deal(NOVELL, "Patent licensing agreement");
       while(agreement_in_place) {
         // Nothing -- we let Novell do the dirty work
       }
       sue(NOVELL, patents);
       buy_out(novell);
       fire(the_evil_bastards_in_their_linux_development_division, for_daring_to_use_linux);
     }
   }
 }
 /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at 
    us */
 order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
 buy(nice_little_island /* nothing too small though, maybe Eurasia */); hire(harem);
 laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
 charge (a_lot_of_money)
 if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) {
   say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
   charge(SUPPORT_FEE, for_that_information);
 }
 if (still_complaints)
 {
   ignore(customer);
   register(customer, big_Bill_book);
   /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
 }
 introduce(new_bugs); // we need to sell the next bugfix!
}